Updated: Oct 23, 2020
I laid face down on the bathroom floor in a puddle of my own snot and tears. Everything I had done or not done in my life had conspired to bring me to this place. As much as it hurt it also healed. This was my bottom. I knew it wasn't the end but rather a most painful beginning. This was the pain of birth, except I was rebirthing myself. I was being born again.
That moment happened for me when I was still trying to follow the rules taught to me by my Evangelical Christian childhood. Now, going through a divorce (my second one), a falling out with my business partner, a nearly bankrupt business, the darkest part of bulimia which had destroyed my health; I wanted out of the life which following these rules brought to me.
There were three things left in my life that I knew I enjoyed: surfing, sex and sugar. None of which were appropriate for good Christian girls. What would happen to me if I abandoned all the "shoulds" in life and instead binged on whatever the fuck I felt like binging on for a however long I felt like doing it? Would I end up a homeless, fat, used up slut? Life had become so miserable that it seemed like a better alternative than the status quo.
The book Satiated: Finding salvation is sugar, sex and surfing is my story but it is also our story. The story of following all the rules only to find out you were playing the wrong game all along. The next logical step is of course to destroy the game board, abandon the other players and make up your own game as you go.
Making up my own game took me deep into Mexican cartel territory, even into the beds of the cartel. It led me to do the unthinkable (for a good Christian girl), and not only to do it, to love doing it and make a lot of dirty money doing it. Yes, it cost me greatly, but it paid dividends beyond my wildest dreams too. Playing my own game changed me, it broke me and it saved me. Just when I thought I had it all, an unexpected twist brought me to my knees again.